You asked me if I trusted you and without
Hesitation I said yes
I reversed this question, threw it back to you
So you could hold it in your hands, hands that held so much power.
And without hesitation your response was no.
I asked again, a few weeks later
And I had
Contemplated the question ever since you first
Answered and I asked you
Do you trust me now?
Now that my palm is pressed to your stomach
And our eyes are locked tight
And its 4:32 am and we’re just starting our first morning.
Do you trust what I say
Trust what I mean when I look out to you, like I am in need of someone to hold the doors open for me so I can board this train car
Trust my eyes and my reality
Do you trust me?
And without hesitation
You replied no
You trusted no one and you never have
And I hear this, practically tasting my body become nervous,
Railroads are being built within my stomach, I feel it
Tie into itself, navigating from a central station and beyond,
And my thigh began to clench underneath yours
And I asked if you would ever trust me
And then I asked you why
I pressed on, maybe too far on like all of the flowers I wanted to press because of my own needs of wanting them to stay, to fossilize, become strong
And you said that everyone in your life ends up leaving and you were okay with this and that this was life and it is the way in which life travels on and tomorrow I could
Walk into a coffee shop, maybe one that I didn’t particularly like
And run into someone random,
And fall in love with them.
And then my feelings towards her could change
Feelings towards the coffee shop could change But What if the person I ran into is you,
What if it were you.
It’s 4:38 am and I want to roll off of the bed that we have both found to be a sanctuary of solace
And I want to be trusted
I wanted to sink far beyond beneath the floor
And be trusted
Today Tomorrow and the next
What if I asked you the question again
And your mind changed
What ifs, they’re impossible ideas, like
how many earths are out there in our universe
how many days does our earth have to keep spinning on its axis
how many calendar days do we have locked together
how many times will you type ‘on my way’
Will you watch me dance today? Will that change soon?
Will we find harbor in another cafe tomorrow morning?
Like my thigh underneath yours this morning
What’s important is this evening I will not forget, this conversation that has no bleakness through it at all
By Jessica Ruiz