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4:32 Am

 You asked me if I trusted you and without 

Hesitation I said yes 

I reversed this question, threw it back to you 

So you could hold it in your hands, hands that held so much power.

And without hesitation your response was no.

I asked again, a few weeks later 

And I had 

Contemplated the question ever since you first 

Answered and I asked you 

Do you trust me now? 

Now that my palm is pressed to your stomach 

And our eyes are locked tight 

And its 4:32 am and we’re just starting our first morning.

 

Do you trust what I say 

Trust what I mean when I look out to you, like I am in need of someone to hold the doors open for me so I can board this train car 

Trust my eyes and my reality 

My tone 

Do you trust me?

And without hesitation 

You replied no 

You didn’t 

You don’t 

Trust anyone 

You trusted no one and you never have

And I hear this, practically tasting my body become nervous, 

Railroads are being built within my stomach, I feel it 

Tie into itself, navigating from a central station and beyond, 

And my thigh began to clench underneath yours 

And I asked if you would ever trust me 

And 

Without 

Hesitation 

You 

Said 

No 

 

And then I asked you why 

I pressed on, maybe too far on like all of the flowers I wanted to press because of my own needs of wanting them to stay, to fossilize, become strong

And you said that everyone in your life ends up leaving and you were okay with this and that this was life and it is the way in which life travels on and tomorrow I could 

Walk into a coffee shop, maybe one that I didn’t particularly like 

And run into someone random,

And fall in love with them.

And then my feelings towards her could change 

Feelings towards the coffee shop could change But What if the person I ran into is you,

What if it were you.

It’s 4:38 am and I want to roll off of the bed that we have both found to be a sanctuary of solace 

And I want to be trusted 

I wanted to sink far beyond beneath the floor 

And be trusted 

Today Tomorrow and the next 

What if I asked you the question again 

And your mind changed 

What ifs, they’re impossible ideas, like

 how many earths are out there in our universe

how many days does our earth have to keep spinning on its axis

 how many calendar days do we have locked together

how many times will you type ‘on my way’ 

Will you watch me dance today? Will that change soon? 

Will we find harbor in another cafe tomorrow morning?

Like my thigh underneath yours this morning 

What’s important is this evening I will not forget, this conversation that has no bleakness through it at all

By Jessica Ruiz 

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